


Best Gift Ever

by UnrealRomance



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Christmas, Romance, best gift ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-06 22:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5433287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnrealRomance/pseuds/UnrealRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Invader Zim AU in which he has a human girlfriend.</p><p>She tries to explain Christmas and Zim gets a wild idea in his head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

" _What_  is this?" Zim squints at the small ornament in his hand and pokes it with a single pointed finger. "Why are there so many, and why is Zim adorning a dead tree with them?" It jingles as he pokes it.

"It's a ritual that humans perform every year called Christmas." I kneel next to him on the soft red rug beneath the tree and show him how to place the ornaments on the tree branches. "You decorate the tree, then on Christmas morning, you open all the presents underneath it."

"What is the point of this ritual?" He perches the metal hook carefully on a tree branch and slowly lets go, frightened it will fall off.

I giggle and lean into his side, wrapping my arm around his waist. "It's become a reason to buy lavish gifts for people so they'll like you, but back in the old days... It was supposed to encourage selflessness. There were homemade gifts back then." I reach up with my free hand to tweak one of his antennae.

"Nnnno." He shakes his head and shivers, pulling away from me completely. "You must explain this to Zim!"

I sigh and mourn the fact that Zim isn't as easily manipulated by the promise of physical intimacy as male humans are. Then deep down I feel little giddy about it. "Explain all of it? I don't know the origin, except that some people adapted it as a religious holiday."

"These...homemade gifts. What were they?" He says 'homemade' like a foreign word

"Home made." I emphasize both words. "It means you make them yourself. Like making clothes, or cooking something."

He scrunches his brow ridges together and jumps when GIR leaps onto his back from behind. "MASTER! I found the CHEESE!"

"GIR!" Zim plants GIR solidly before him and opens his skull cap. He can fix him for a few days at a time, but he always goes back to that crazy state. It's better than it was, he used to be crazy 24/7 until Zim actually found the problem. "Feel better?"

"Yes, master." GIR spins around and salutes with glowing red eyes. His eyes turn blue again as he walks away, and I find myself wondering if he's better off crazy. Still, I'd rather be sane- so...

"You like sugary snacks, right?" Zim, recognizing the phrase, jumps up as I stand and then scrambles to follow me.

"You have more Sticks, give Zim the Sticks!" He's perched on the edge of my kitchen counter as I rummage in my cabinets. I stowed four plastic bags, which will probably only last him two days.

"Here." I hold them out then take them back when he reaches for them. "What are you gonna give me for 'em?"

Zim rolls his bright pink eyes and hops off the counter to pull me against him with one arm. I've made him 'pay' for snacks and tidbits of information with kisses so often he doesn't even try to argue anymore. I'd like to think it's because he enjoys it now, but I'm not that naive.

It's a passionless press of lips, but it's the only kind of amorous affection I can get from him. I never really imagined myself as much of a sexual creature, but when you find the perfect person...it gets a bit difficult to refrain from overwhelming them with touches and kisses.

I curl into his body as he pulls away from me and take one of the snack sticks out of the bag. I hold it up and he closes his mouth around it, raking his teeth over the chalky treat while I soak up the attention.  _'It's not like he doesn't like physical affection.'_  I pout, remembering his explanation of why he refrains.  _'That stupid PAK deprives him of everything good.'_ And he does consider my kind of physical affection  _good_ , because I asked.

And Zim is incapable of lying in any kind of convincing fashion.

"Zim could make gifts for you." He mumbles it around the stick and I almost think I imagined it. "Zim would give you what you wanted if Zim could make it happen."

My heart almost breaks when I hear that, whispered quietly enough I know he must be fighting himself over bringing it up.

My arms tighten around him. "All I want is you, Zim. I don't need everything else." It sounds so much like a platitude, I can't stand it. "I'd  _like_  the other stuff, I really would- but I don't need it to love you."

"Zim still does not understand what that means." The irritation in his voice is familiar and brings a smile to my face.

"I've explained what it means several times." I lean back and take the stick from him, tapping his lips with a fingertip. "A high level of affection for someone. Family, close friend, or lover."

"Irkens have no such bonds." He takes my wrist and forces me to feed him the stick. I try to hide it in my hand and giggle when his teeth graze my skin. "We are born in tanks, trained by our PAK programming, then sent off to invade. The few instructors we have over our life are only there for a few weeks."

"I know but-." I cut myself off and sigh. If I had no frame of reference for something it'd be pretty hard to understand. "I know, I'm sorry."

"Zim will figure it out." He hugs me, to my great surprise. "Zim will get the perfect gift!" He declares, pointing to the sky with the most  _determined_  look on his face.

I laugh and kiss him on the cheek, relinquishing the sack of candy. "I know you will, Zim."


	2. Chapter 2

"What?" I stop still in my kitchen and drop the bag of cookies I was about to rip open and pour in the cookie jar.

The phone between my ear and shoulder um's.  _"Zim didn't tell you what he was doing?"_

"No!" I shout. "What the hell did he need to go to Irk for!?"

" _He said something about needing to alter his PAK's programming."_  My whole body goes cold.  _"Neo? Do you know why-"_

"Can you take me to him?" Has he left the system yet? "Can you get both of us there?"

" _Well, I was planning to go after him anyway- you shouldn't come though, they might shoot us on sight and-"_

"Dib, I swear to god." I plant my foot and imagine myself pointing at him. "You go  _without_  me, and my boyfriend gets hurt?  _I will end you_."

" _Zim would end me_ slowly _."_

I take a knife out of the block on the counter and send him a picture of it. "Are you sure I  _wouldn't_?" I stab it into the counter for emphasis and I'm pretty sure I can hear him hiss on the other end of the line.

" _Okay, I get it. We'll have to get Tak's ship. Can you ask her?"_

"Tak." My lip curls and a heavy sigh escapes me. "I'll ask Gaz to ask Tak."

" _Good idea."_

We hang up, and before calling Tak- there's something I have to do.

So I walk into my bedroom, open my closet and tap the wall at the back to open the secret panel. It scans my DNA and opens with a chime.

And there, ensconced in the secret safe- are my weapons and the suit of armor Zim made me.

I insisted the boots be made of leather, though Zim wouldn't hear of it for the whole suit. It's black and silken and rocket-proof so I didn't argue  _that_  point.

It's a catsuit of sorts, with metal clasps around my wrists, ankles and waist. These clasps can be magnetized, and they have tracking devices so Zim can find me even if I'm taken off-planet.

There's a metal choker that clamps around my throat, it protects my neck and connects my mask to the oxygen pack on my back.

My metal belt has a small slot to slide my retractable spear into, and I twirl it around a bit to get a feel for the balance again.

One costume change and a half an hour later and we are on our way into space.

Gaz and Tak in tow.

"Is there a reason you had to come?" I'm miffed, and probably not for good reason. "I'm just going to pick Zim up and come back."

"Irk is a war ship, and you'll never slip in and out undetected. You need an Irken, so I'm here." Tak is so overconfident and smarmy it makes my teeth grind. At least when Zim does it it's...cute. "Besides, Zim is banished, he'll be hunting Irk's location. I still have the privilege of knowing the ship's movements so we can cut him off. We may not even have to  _go_  to Irk with me here."

"I thought you were over this?" Gaz mutters from the co-pilot's seat.

"I am!" I hiss and take a deep breath.

' _Maybe I'm not_. _'_  Just remembering how Tak tried to steal Zim when she first got here, as part of a plot to kill him no less- is enough to make me sick and angry.

I glare at the back of her head as we drive, and try not to remember her purring and stroking his antennae like she'd seen me do.

My lips curl in a smile when I remember that Zim threatened to fill her full of holes and jerked away from her like she was made of fire.

I close my eyes and lean back against the bulkhead, trusting Dib and Gaz to keep an eye on Tak for the moment. This is all so exhausting, Zim is always kind of exhausting. I love him to pieces but I need to sleep for a week after an adventure like this...

Waking up to blaring alarms and shouting is usually the norm when I stay over at Zim's place. I don't even realize I've been asleep until I hear it.

"God damn it! You STUPID DEFECTIVE!" Tak is shrieking and when I lurch up in my seat to look, I see why.

"You will not stop Zim!" Zim is patched in, and Tak has a hold of his chassis. His ship is yanking and twirling and swooping and Tak has to follow him exactly or the cable could snap. "Zim must do this!"

"You're INSANE!" Tak screams at him. "The Tallest won't reprogram your PAK, they'll just KILL you!"

"Zim will not need permission." His eyes narrow and my heart pounds.

' _I keep forgetting how effective he is at causing chaos and...'_  I don't even want to think about how many people he's killed- aliens but still people- in the pursuit of protecting me.

I lurch over Tak's seat and smack into Gaz's lap with a shove when the ship jolts under my feet. "Zim, stop!"

The constant motion stops, and we're just floating there. Zim is looking at me with the widest wide-eyed look I've ever seen. "Neo..." His body seems to turn to stone, he's so still. I fear for a second he's forgotten how to breathe. "No. TAK!" He bares his teeth and his eyes  _glow_. "You can't take her to IRK,  _you_  are INSANE! And is that GAZ!?" Okay now he's on a roll. "You even brought the DIB-THING!?"

"I'm not a thing, Zim." Dib patiently responds, pushing his old-school spectacles up the bridge of his nose. I don't know why he likes those things so much. "And she came because you worried her."

Zim's expression is so adorably nonplussed it tugs at my heart.

"Zim, you don't have to do this." I lean forward and look into the camera instead of at the monitor, so he can meet my eyes. "I told you I don't need it. You go to Irk and you might  _die_." I scoff and throw up my hands. "Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad  _now_? Cause I'm tellin' ya, you're driving me there!"

"Zim doesn't know what love is." His antennae droop. "Zim doesn't understand physical affection. Zim isn't...human. But Zim can learn, and...I don't want you to  _leave_  me."

I laugh, to his obvious confusion. "Zim. That urge you have to make me happy? That  _is_  love. It's a pure, complex, irrational emotion that drives you to acts of great stupidity or..." I can't find the right word. "The fact that you'd change something fundamental about yourself because you think it's what I deserve, means that you love me."

His antennae twitch and his eyes flicker blue-purple rather than red-purple for just a moment. "I love you?"

And even though it's a question, it melts the core of me into girly little puddles. "Yes."

"Seems like it to me." Gaz grumbles over my shoulder as her arms wrap around my waist, settling me into a more comfortable spot. "You're completely nuts just thinking we might be putting her in danger. Is he an idiot or is this his PAK's fault?" She asks Tak the last bit.

Tak snorts and leans back in her seat. "He's defective for a  _reason_. Irken don't love because our PAK's prevent free thought. Zim is a free-thinker." She purses her lips. "As am I, since he tinkered with my PAK. I didn't like it at first, but I can see so many new possibilities for power now. And..." She turns her head and her big purple eyes soften as she reaches out to pet Gaz's hair. "I need you like the air I breathe."

Gaz flushes deep red and buries her face in my back. "Stop that."

Tak looks puzzled by that response and it's kind of amusing. Reminds me of when Zim first started paying real attention to me, and how mystified I was by it.

"Point is:" I pull their attention back to the matter at hand "You don't need to change yourself to make me happy." Smiling, I lean forward again. "We can find a way. And if we don't, I'm still with you."

"Neo." He just looks so  _forlorn_.

"Zim, it's not like I don't get anything out of our relationship." Just thinking about Zim makes me happy. "I get adventure, and fun and you make me feel  _safe_." His antennae twitch upward and his eyes flicker. "I know you'd destroy a world to save me, and I may not like it exactly that you'd go straight to the extreme-" I grimace. "In fact it's something we need to work on- but that level of devotion and trust that you show me, makes me unbelievably  _happy_."

"I make you happy?" His ship is docking with Tak's now and he disappears from the screen as the doors open between them.

He steps right in and sweeps me up when I scramble to my feet to meet him. "I love you." His tone is awed. He can't believe he's capable of this emotion and it breaks and warms my heart at the same time to hear it.

"You love me." I agree. "And I love you."

"I am still going to find the perfect gift." He insists, arms squeezing me firmly. "How much time do I have?"

"Christmas is over tomorrow." I laugh. "But people give each other gifts late all the time. You can take as much time as you want."

"Just don't blow up or enslave Earth and I'll help." Dib offers.

"I will work with you as well." Tak looks at Gaz. "I would also benefit from a change in circumstance."


	3. Chapter 3

Mmmm. Waking up in Zim's bed is always a mixed bag.

I could wake up alone with GIR staring at me, or with Zim wrapped around me like a big reptilian cat. He only sleeps because I sleep. Once introduced to the practice, he couldn't ask me to stay over enough. My body heat, my soft skin and my smell are all his all night long when I do- and he's very vocal about how much he likes those things.

Even being the non-sexual creature that he is, he's very touchy-feely when he can figure a way around his programming.

After dragging him back from that crazy mission to Irk, he found a loophole that'd allow him to kiss me without discomfort.

_The humming in the kitchen means Zim's tube elevator to the lab is activated. I lean forward on the couch and smile when he pops up. He jumps off that toilet hologram and slams open the refrigerator door._

_I blink and furrow my brows, dropping the book I'm reading to get up and walk in there._

_He's muttering to himself about flavors and consistencies and things I don't really understand. I lean on the counter and hope he's not trying to mutate the weenies and bologna again. God,_ that _was a nightmare_.

_To my great surprise he jolts up with a basket of strawberries and stares at them for a long period of time. His goggles are on, so he's probably analyzing their molecular structure and watching informational videos about them._

_He shouts in victory and slams the door shut, setting the basket on the table and jumping two feet in the air when he notices me._

_When I ask what's up, he takes off his goggles and chops a chunk off one of the strawberries. He hands it to me and instructs me to chew thoroughly before swallowing._

_Lifting a brow, I comply. I'm completely shocked when he crowds me against the counter after I swallow. My lips are parted when his cover them, and his tongue slips between without problem._

_I'm a puddle in his arms, reveling in the sensation of his tongue in my mouth until he pulls away and licks his lips._

" _I can trick the pack into thinking I'm eating something if the flavor of food is detected and it leaves me alone." His sudden grin is a burst of sharp teeth across his face._

He even brought a box of strawberries to bed so he wouldn't have to stop until I got too tired to stay awake.

This morning, I can feel his breath on my neck. And GIR is nowhere to be seen. I smile and stretch, feeling his bare skin against mine and reveling in it.

_Zim comes streaking into my apartment with all the fury of a hurricane and picks me up, throwing me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes._

_While I loudly demand an explanation, he ignores me and shoves me into his ship. It's disguised as a Van today. He's still trying to figure out which vehicles I like, and since I won't tell him, he decided to keep changing the hologram until he noticed I like something._

_I'm always a little distracted when Zim shows up, because he shows up in his 'human' disguise. He can't go walking around without it, of course- even if it doesn't really hide his alien-ness at all. So I pause my attempted interrogation to admire him a little._

_Hey, I'm only human._

_His hair is a wig, but it's so soft and luxurious I_ know _it has to be some kind of silk fiber. It curls and waves upward and over the side of his head like a mass of black flame._

_Punk-Emo hairstyle, I never knew I'd like such a thing._

_And his eyes. They're blue-purple and there are_ whites _to them. It's kind of weird to see him like this when I run into him out at the store or whatever, but I can see the beauty in it. Even the caps on his teeth to keep the razor-tips from being noticed are bright and pearly white._

_We pull up to his house and I start the questions again, getting out of the ship so he won't manhandle me again._

_He does anyway._

_His arm wraps around my waist and he ushers me into the house with haste I don't understand. Then I notice that I'm freezing._

_I shiver and cling to Zim, asking what the hell it's so cold for._

_He takes me into the bedroom and tinkers with a box on the wall that seems to be newly installed. "Zim found a way to sleep in the same bed with you."_

_Blinking, I ask. "How?"_

_He starts stripping off his clothes before I can ask a follow-up question. I have to admit the sight stalls me._

_He is as slim as a pole and about six feet tall, so his clothes normally hide his form or emphasize it with flat lines. When he removes his jacket and pulls his shirt over his head, I see the subtle lines of his torso melting into his waist. It's only a slight curve with a slope in certain places- and he's gorgeous._

_His pants drop next and he removes the contacts and wig last._

_Turning around, he explains while I try not to eyeball him too much. "If it is cold in the room and you are warm, under the blankets- I can trick my pack into thinking it's necessary to survive."_

" _Okay." And then I started undressing because damned if I was going to miss this opportunity to feel his bare skin against mine._

"Zim?" I turn over and press kisses along his cheekbone and down his throat. "Get up."

"Mh?" He trills a little in the back of his throat and wraps his arms more tightly around my waist. "Neo-love."

"Yes..." I love his new 'title' for me.

Reaching for the basket on the bedside table, I pop a strawberry chunk in my mouth and chew while I stare at him. Swallowing, I lean down to kiss him, smoothing my hands down his chest and smiling when he arches up to meet me.

His tongue is odd. Pointed and round, and I'm pretty sure it goes down in his body pretty far. He tastes the strawberry lingering in my mouth and his tongue sweeps every nook and cranny with slow, thorough care. The feeling of his lips against mine is so different now. Finally he knows how to move them against mine and he doesn't have to pull away because his PAK is making him uncomfortable.

When we finally pull back and I see the blue dilating in his purple eyes, I laugh. "Your PAK is getting less and less relevant. See, I told you we'd find a way."

His smile is wicked. "Zim is working on the rest."

A shiver goes down my spine and he's the one who snickers now. "Don't tease, Zim-love. It doesn't become you."

A little hitch in his breathing happens when I call him that. It's like calling someone Baby or Sweetie, but more...Irken.

"I need to get back into the lab." Aaand, there goes my slow morning. "I will come out an hour before lunch and stay an hour after." He promises, braving his PAK's displeasure to kiss me before getting out of bed.

His usual outfit is black and pink, and I don't know how he makes it work with green skin, but he rocks it. I get up and throw on a bathrobe, not bothering to really get dressed. My day will mostly be me waiting for him to come out of that damn toilet anyway.

So I walk into the bathroom and brush my hair, in no rush. Get my teeth brushed and my make-up done, more thoroughly than any time before. It's just eye-liner, mascara and lip gloss so I have to paint my nails the same color pink and green as Zim's eyes and skin to really draw out the time.

It's a slow day, without Dib or Gaz hanging around or Tak attempting to draw Zim out for a sparring match. I really hate being alone, but trying to get Zim to leave the lab would be selfish. He deserves more in his life than just me and our friends. He's a genius inventor and lately he's turned his eye toward improving humanity's lot in life instead of taking over the planet.

Dib even comes over to help sometimes. So long as they can compete, they're happy. It brings a smile to my face and a giggle to my lips.

Still...

Stepping on top of the Toilet and flushing it, I drop into the tube. The toilet is basically a solid hologram that disappears when the slide is activated. Zim doesn't usually mind if I come down to watch him. So long as I stay silent or only ask questions when he's waiting on test results, he even welcomes my company.

' _I just have to remember not to touch him while he's working'_  Which is damn hard cause he's so  _cute_  in his lab coat and goggles. And his single-minded focus is  _so_  attractive.

When I step off the tube elevator and into Zim's lab, I'm a little surprised there's no noise.

Usually there's noise everywhere in Zim's lab. GIR is screaming, the machines are beeping, and it seems like he's always angrily muttering about something.

He's sitting at his exam table in the middle of the room, hunched over.

Frowning, I walk toward him and around the table so I can see his face.

His goggles are pushed up on his head, his hands are clasped together and pressed against his mouth...and his eyes are wide open. Like he's seen something he just can't make sense of.

I've seen Zim after an unknown discovery and he's usually jubilant and curious. This is just...unnerving.

"Zim-love? What's wrong?"

He twitches and relaxes when his eyes find me. "Neo-love."

"Are you alright?" I ignore my own rules and sit on the table next to his arm, petting his antennae.

"I have..." He leans into my touch. "Found something."

"What?" I lean down and kiss his temple, switching to rubbing his head with my fingertips. "Nothing world-ending, right?"

"No." He sighs and grasps my wrists, pulling me down into his lap to look at me. Just...look at me.

He holds me there and stares into my eyes and then he tells me. "I have found a function in my PAK that will allow me to do everything. Anything I want."

"You don't sound happy so it can't be good." My brows push together and he traces a fingertip over one of my eyebrows.

"It would halve my lifespan." He says it like it's nothing. Like he didn't just drop a bombshell on me.

"No!" I struggle to get out of his arms but he just holds me tighter. "How could you even-!?"

"Neo-love. I will live a thousand years." Is what he says to stop my squirming.

I still don't understand. "But it's  _life_ , Zim! Why would you- are you feeling depressed again? We can work through it like-"

"Neo." He cuts me off, sharply. "I am already three hundred years old. And the average human life-span after lengthening with medicine and tech is a hundred and fifty."

I blink at him.

"My life would end fifty years after yours, even with the change." His lip curls. "I doubt I will wait that long to join you."

"Zim..." I'm worried, intensely worried, about his state of mind.

"I want to be able to have all of you without feeling as though my back is being flayed open." He squeezes me tighter to his chest. "Even now, my PAK is trying to cause me enough pain to drop you, because you are a distraction from invasion."

"I'm so sorry..." My eyes well up and I bury my face in his neck.

"Neo-love." He grasps my chin and tilts my head back to look at me. "You've made me a person."

"Zim!" I sob.

"Listen." He strokes my jaw with his clawed thumb and brushes his lips over mine. "Without you, Zim will fail. Zim will...destroy and kill and-you would not like who Zim would become without you."

"But you-" His thumb covers my mouth.

"Zim is not finished." There's that regality I love. "Zim's lifespan is so long because Irkens are chemically controlled and modified every second of their life. If Zim stops this, Zim will age like our species was first  _meant_  to. A natural lifespan."

Oh. I blink as I consider that. "So...you'd just be choosing to live natural instead of...like how Dib is non-modified but Gaz..."

"Yes." He agrees. "I will be able to age beside you. Not exactly the same way, but similar enough. And besides..." He presses his forehead to mine and strokes my hair. "I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone."

I'm crying harder now. My throat is tight and everything in me is screaming at me to kiss him until he can't breathe. But right now that would only hurt him. "I..."

"I love you." And his smile is like the sunrise. "And Merry Christmas."


End file.
